— this is really happening

Arguing the toss

My wireless keyboard arrived. A little crack providing life-supporting moisture to a blade of grass in the concrete. My office is apparently becoming more suitable every day, and yet. And yet, and yet. I am beginning to see the paradox in my thee-suss. To work by computer, holed up and howling in a comfortable padded chair. Condemned to a clever, snarling padded chair. I watch closely for the small envelope icon to summon momentary escape. I futz with the piece of tape that’s stuck on my scissors.

I do not believe in isolation with machines.

Funny then, that this leaded life can conventionally seem to be the only way to build a written work like a thesis. Here, by pointy, vivid desk lamp lume. Here, with sound of computer fan spinning. Here, inside the buzzing neon sign. I keep waiting for someone to gently rest warm hands on my shoulders. Pull me up to the clouds.

My thesis is about the physiological effects of capitalism and how the simple joy of touching has been lost over thousands of years. Forgive my greenwash, but as we each can naturally intuit, there’s all this stuff everywhere instead. It’s kind of, uhm, distracting. And so hearing my vex, my incredible mentor who names things so well, said it seems like a paradox to write about touch, and to do it alone, over hours of cashed work, untouching and working on a keyboard?? Yes! I said! Yes, exactly! But it needn’t be. accompanied by a full horizon breath, and a staring nod. Ask the question from your pelvis she said, and see if it feels differently.

OK. I felt embarassed, but I did ask from there… and before much time at all… I was crying.

They’re telling me that inside all this paralysis there are answers with new angles. Relieved, cheeks wet. I want to argue the toss, I guess. Argue it with hips that move like the ocean. Touch for social change. Write the academic paper and plant the process with something new, less mechanical, out under the high sun. If only the back of my chair were made of hands.

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